ZHan
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Blabbering is my forte
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One World Sold out for Jesus

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I doubt someone knew about the disaster to come.. either a prophet or someone. But they chose not to prophesy, and God spoke the earthquake into being.. killing thousands by the seashore.

Imagine this has already happened..
what it will be during the End days?

'The rumbling thunder clashed with the luminous lighting. Causing a flash of shadow over the fugitives under the coconut tree, they knew what was about to happen and contemplating to escape..
But to where, are they escaping to?

They saw the miracle of the Recapture, as they were not taken up. The wind of the Holy Ghost swept past a congregation like a swarm of locust, but only a few were missing..

“Why us?” they mourned, “why are we left behind?”

The loomed sky was decorated with a white plate coated with blood. The Crimson Moon..
The dotted stars were lost, or should I say.. recaptured as well?

Reverence for God has turned to a nightmare..
This timid soul was afraid to walk under light, for he was fearful of his own shadow..
A strike of lighting reminded him of his contempt before the alter of repentance, that now, he had to bear the burden of disobedient.

He lost the opportunity to be with the true living God..
He picked languidly up a black-jet bible, thrown by the devastated and stared at the two golden words print,

'Holy Bible'

Glancing at the scarlet brilliance of the flowing water, he saw himself.
His broken wings that once brought him to the Highest point was cursed to be condemned in eternal damnation for his greed.
His once radiance hide that glowing in His presence, was now poisoned by his envy for power over Authority..

Pushing up his unruly mane and saw the cursed digits. 666.'

What to do? Pray lor...

'Everything by Prayer, Nothing without It.'
Have you ever wonder why such horrible incident would happen?
Why now and why at that specific places?

'Cos its a wake-up-your-idea call..

Today my heart couldn't do qt.. the mood wasn't there to do the usual point-within-the-flipping-pages method, nor to read the purposes driven life book..
Cos He wanted me read my bible. (Colourfully highlighted pages binded by the dull looking cover.)

'They may trip seven times, but each time they will rise again. But one calamity is enough to lay the wicked low.' Proverbs 24:16

I was watching the news when the broadcaster kept on repeating the word 'calamity'.. den this verse just came to me.

I would say that this killer wave combined with the massive earthquake was not a disaster.. but a Prelude to the End days.

Why?

God is always fair and just.. Jesus' second coming will be a fair process without any favoritism towards the Christians nor the unbelievers.

This massive natural disaster portrayed the warning to His coming. As in the End days, more will come.. It's a promise.

I remembered somewhere in the Bible says,'I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake...' Revelation 6:12
I
doubt it will be worse and more lifes will be lost.

God wants to see who trust in God and who doesn't.. Those who trust in Him will not be concern about the disaster-to-come , but emphasize their time into spreading the Gospel to the nations and accomplishing the Great Commission. Thus pleases Him.

'Our purpose is to please God, not people.' 1 Thessalonians 2:4

How to quicken the End Day? by spreading the gospel to all nation. ( SOL's lesson)

In 1 Thessalonians 4:13-17, its all about the hope of the Resurrection, thus God is always fair..
People will be killed by the miracle that God does, which this time is the earthquake and killer wave.. its a blessing in disguise.

A warning for everyone that's alive.

Every action will have a reaction.This natural action will have two types of reaction..

1st reaction: a time for harvest; God draws to the people first by His 'miracle', den people will draw to God. A time for Revival as Pastor has mentioned is going to happen.. but who is ready to receive that harvest? The youths are like sleeping dragons, waiting to be waken.

2nd reaction:Natural action results im natural reaction. Government, communities and organisations cracking their peanut brains to solve this current problem and plan for a 'foolproof' plan for the next coming disaster..

However.. who can expect that? All these.. are in God's plan that you might know them, but dun understand at all.. the killer wave came like a thief..

' When people are saying, " All is well; everything is peaceful and secure," then disaster will fall upon them as suddenly as a woman's birth pains begin when her child is about to be born. And there will be no escape.'1 Thessalonians 5:3

Frankly speaking, what God is telling me.. I still need to register for a while.. den i can fully understand what His plan is..

Must mediate.. mediate..

I'm a full pledged Christmas who happened to be a student-soon-to-be in SRJC.. I'm a Frontier for Jesus and a Servant for God, for without God's grace, I will still be rotting in wrath..

I have been facing trials and testing and temptation everyday.. literally without them. I don't feel God is with me.

Taking example today..
The whole day, I was in consistent communion with God. I laughed and chatted with Him. I was so joyful..

Let me share something..
While sing praise and humming hymn.. He told me what speech to prepare the next time I face mockery of my choice to follow God, transfer from ORPC to Revival Nation..

'Say in boldness in remembrance of what I did powerfully after you chose to carry the cross with me.
Jesus was rejected by the people in his town, who watched Him grow up and compared Him with His legitimate family (which I was too mocked by my uncle when I went to visit my cousin, he questioned me whether it was right to set up independent church.).
I promise you that you too will be rejected by many, but embrace by countless. You will tell them this,
" Those who rejects I, is also rejecting Him. Thus you will be responsible for your eternal damnation, for you have rejected His offering for salvation. But those who accept I, He will accept you as well. Thus we will dwell in His Kingdom forever. "

You will be sent to those who are not with me, but against me. You will prophesy over their future and they will repent immediately. Mourning and weeping for their sins. And I will forgive them. But soon, they return to their old ways and den you will prophesy again, to be mocked by their unbelief. You shall shake the dust off your sandals and leave them to their accord.
Those who scoff at you will be left to their own accord and ... '

Bla bla bla.. I portrayed this image in my mind:
I'm donned in the 'Circle of Truth' Tee-shirt, Puma scarlet track pants and my black-jet Visor, with a wooden staff on my right hand. I loped boldly into the middle of the assembly and slammed the staff onto the ground.
DUM.DUM..DUM...
The echo reverted and overlapped.. An earthquake uprooted the whole church for it says in the bible:
'a time to plant and a time to uproot.'
The roof collapsed and the wall tore down for it says in the bible:
'a time to tear down and a time to build.'
I was alone...

All these were the things Ithought of in His presence..
All this happened when I was trekking to Chuan Chen's house to deliver the medication I promised him.. There is more, but i didn't write them down..

After my arrival at mum's office.. I went to a deep sleep at the room above with windows shut tight. Soon after, I was awaken.. Spiritual attack was immediate, I lost control over my flesh.
I was suffering from morning erection. (men's stuff. you can check online..)

Lustful thoughts flooded my mind, trying to steal all the promises that God gave me, killing the seed of faith by strangling it with the root of lustfulness and destroying my self-control produced when the Holy Spirit dwells in me. My Spirit was weeping in sorrow and pain. I, too was.
I asked God for help and went to the kitchen downstairs to wash up.

When your faith is under serious temptation.. you might just die spiritually if you give into temptation. I really detest that.

I prayed again, after washing up.. It just didn't leave but worsen.
' Go and mast****te now.. the pain will go away,' a voice called out.

My head was heavy and my vision was slightly blurred.. I was losing control over my body, I gave into temptation and mast****te for a sec in the toilet.. den I remembered the old life that I detest. I quickly went out of the toilet and sat on the dusty cold floor, I went into serious prayer for forgiveness and the faith to believe that God will overcome it. I was repeating this.
" God, let me overcome this.." and tongues.
Den immediately, the erection subsided.. The faith outshone the root of darkness and his love banished their stronghold over me.

I finally overcame temptation of lust..

Later God spoke to me again.. He reminded me about Elijah's prayer for the rain, that Elijah prayed 7 times for the rain to fall, which Elijah had already the authority to ask for it anytime as God promised.
God again promised me that more will come.. that my faith was again stretched, compressed and shaken, finally fattened.

That's the story I have for what God has done for me the day after my commitment to follow him with all my mind, all my soul, all my life until the end of the days...

I'm always His faithful servant.
A God whom I revere with reverence.

God Rulzzz...

Young man shall see visions. Old man shall dream dreams..
I have been dreaming much..

It was during the dawn of my Baptizing Day.. my BIG DAY. It was though i was about to make the biggest decision in my life, even more important than my wedding day.. that i dreamt of the most weirdest thing.. Pastor always complains that my dreams will cause a huge commotion in the traditional church.. very 'unholy' dream.

However, it was really from Him. The Almighty.

In the beginning, I was dressed up properly.. or something like that. (cos i didnt wear my glasses, so could see properly.. blur vision) Out of a blue, my perspective changed.. I was looking at myself, though watching movie.. the camera zoomed into my lower part of my body..

The trouser slowly became longer and broader.. I was wearing my Dad's dirty gray pants that my waist was just too thin to hold them..

Oops! my pants dropped on the floor..

The next part of my dream will turn you off..
The piece of loincloth that is supposed to be there holding on to the necessary piece of flesh wasn't there. But...

A black, silk, V-cutting, female undies..
(A sudden gust of wind blew against the tightly sealed windows, causing the panals to tremble in cold.. freezing cold.)

I went to search for the undies den i found it..
the description of that undies:

'The Light brief has a fashionable hipster style with lightly-scalloped edging. The fabric is ultra soft and seamless for invisibility under clothing, and the look is completed with a trendy flower tattoo design.'

Except for the tattoo design.. its that U-N-D-I-E-S.

Next I knew.. I'm at this coffeeshop selecting food. Stores after stores.. i was still pending what to choose. Den this gal caught my eyes.. she was on the phone. I strolled towards her and heard her beautiful, sweet, lustful voice,

'Miss you too. Muck!!'

Ouch!! Den poof! it's rise and shine.. and I overslept by 15 minutes. However.. God never ever forgets to tell His people what the dream was about.. I trust Him.

Well.. I'm always emotional. Too emotional. Sometimes my emotions are exploited by cunning people who used me as their scapegoat.. to do things that is the same as the thief's purpose..

John 10:10
'The thief's purpose is to steal, to kill and to destroy...'

However, the dream gave me the assurance that God is my provider in both the seen and unseen.. my JEHOVAH-JIREH.

My Daddy's pant is the thing that can be seen..
All the visible problems that i might face, which He will provide the way out. But..

There is a condition to that..

I have to be ready to be expand and stretched.. always ready to receive his blessing on the seen. That's why.. I was wearing my Daddy's pants, so i have to train myself to grow into fitting in the pants..

Bigger problems.. Bigger pants.. More growth.. More blessing.. Higher Level..

Much bigger problems.. Much bigger pants.. Much more growth....

That's for Daddy's pants..
Next, the sexy V-back cutting undies..

When it comes to women's confidence boosters, what comes into your mind?

Me? Its hidden confidence that man doesn't have and need..
(sub-conscious typed that)

Women would spend thousands on their undergarment rather than extra few dollars on their garment.. Irony isn't it?
Guys will reuse their modesty garment forever.. wear on one side den flip over to use the other side.. even got holes as big as ever..

To keep it short now.. cos i need to pray for Amanda. Her mum ran away and she's lost. I wouldn't balme her, cos Jesus promised testings and trials to come.. What I can do is to pray and pray..

The women's undies is the emotion security that God promised. The promise of the unseen - faith and emotions.. He will give me the best and the most fitting support to me and its already inside of me..

undies can be stretch.. and God is already my underwear ( look at one of the old blog submission.. u will understand.) So this dream is significant to the prophecy during Baptisim..

Suddenly.. a though came to me. Is it true that Amanda's mum ran away from home.. i doubt. However, i still would pray. I have to check aupon the Spirit that told me this.

Must have faith.. MUST!

A Chinese proverb once says, ‘walking slowly is always better than stopping.’
Before settling down in Revival Nation, I was struggling with my old wineskin – my leftover.

What were my leftovers? Many..
A church where I buried my childhood.
A gang of friends that I have to lose, in order to, dwell with God chosen friends.
A life that was of temporary pleasures and of eternal remorse and grief.

I need to start from scratch.
There was where I found my first love.. from God.

Even though, I was (sort of) fortunate to be born in a Christian family. I didn’t experience anything powerful from God. Just amazed by chapters about Jesus and the old testament stories. Amazement was not sufficient for me. I wanted more. Much more.

I wasn’t loved. I wanted out. I wanted to run away from my designed routine.

Why am I typing this? Why?

‘Cos after I experienced his first love and again his first love again and again.. everyday. Trials and testings interrupted my walk of faith everyday. Never fails to do something that might jeopardize my faith.
However after each success or failure.. My faith was stretched and fattened. How?

Let me recite my life story once again..
Long before the time.. (sub-conscious is trying to be lame.)

Well.. last Thursday. After Sister Von released the Rehma. Things changed. The tornado in my heart was settled and the Holy Spirit came into me. Powerfully release all the lessons that I learnt from ‘Purpose Driven Life’ book, He wanted me to pour what I had learnt into Mok’s heart.. for him to find a purpose to orient his life. ‘Cos he was shaken by Sister Von’s little preaching over the conclusion for Pastor How’s sermon during cell group. He wanted a dream, but don’t know where to get.

Boom and bang… words just came out of my mouth, that I spoke with boldness for the first time. Not from me, but the Holy Spirit. Testimonials spilled fro and (I think) touched the inner of Mok. However, I haven’t been checking up on him. Have to.. darn! Must remember my promise to him.

After cell group, I want shocked by what I had said. The testimonials. I always thought that I have nothing good to share.. always using Brother Sean’s miracle wedding testimonial and others. I didn’t notice of what God has done.. and I was so full with joy and thanksgiving.

Den.. what was so blind of me, was another wave of spiritual attack – Anger.
The habit of my brother (of the same loyal blood) made me boil. He always has to sit at the left-hand side of the back sit and would just ignore my feelings sometimes.
My blood was boiled until steam came gusting out of my ears. Pressure was yet cooking up.
Until, the next morning, when he shook me to conscious.. I unintentionally swear beneath my breath. That anger was still not noticed yet.

But what was so amazing, was the rushing hour for us to be on time. Well, while in the lift. Out of desperation, I prayed for a taxi in tongues for it to appear instantly in front of us. Den God heard my prayer and there was a taxi coming when we were at the carpark. And some more, the taxi journey was a blessing that we made it in time before 7:45 a.m.. Otherwise the donation box would appreciate 10-dollar fine pocketed thru its mouth.

It was during intercession, den I was prompted again by the HS that anger was going to spill. Anger was exploding soon.. My first prayer was to repent for the anger to have a foothold inside me and also for forgiveness for my brother’s ‘stubbornness’.. Den blessing flowed into both of us.. Anger was banished..

“ Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgement, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. ” 1 John 4:18

This is what I still can remember from the Sunday’s sermon.
Well… Pastor Char pointed out 4 points

People that are driven by guilt.
People that are driven by anger or resentment.
People that are driven by fear.
People that are driven by disapproval.

Fortunate.. I’m part of the people who are driven by disapproval, or was driven.
My childhood was full of gaining approval from my parents.
Both my parents work to together, so it was mandatory for me to help them at the office everyday after school during primary schooling days.
Thus, I always thought that the family business took away my parents’ love for me, that every child seeks from their legitimate parents.

But I was wrong.
I gained nothing, even I sow and sow.. Even though my actions were pleasing to him, but I didn’t do it out of love, but resentment and gaining approval.
Until I experienced the first love from God, the hurts and disappointments were covered but not fully banished. Thus, sometimes when my parents fought.. I will feel afflicted in my heart. I was an afflicated child.
Not only at home, in school as well.. in class and CCA.. I was driven by approval by others on my works and it was their approval that kept me to be passionate..

But I was wrong again.
In the end, what I reap, was nothing but bitterness and more resentment. It was God’s first love, that expel all fears..

Now, I’m still struggling with it.. The fear of Man.
Many times, I want to please both man and God, but ended up being caught in between both. However, on last Sunday, I made a decision in Toa Payoh.. I gave up my best buddy for God and I received double-blessing that night.

The night before, Joshua (my best buddy) called me to support Walter (my senior), who supposed to be in a band jamming in his church Christmas celebration..
During the conversation, Joshua’s pleading and begging, and I was rather unwillingly to go. Until the Holy Spirit spoke,

“Go, bless Walter.”

I was so engrossed on the conversation that I didn’t hear the released word.
I firstly assumed that it was,

“Go and bless Walter and his band.” or “ Go and bless Walter and his instruments.”

Den during prayer intercession or during service prayer.. I asked again and He repeated..

“Go, bless Walter.”

It wasn’t much myself to give in to Joshua’s pitiful proposal, ‘cos I felt uncomfortable to enter into another church.. My heart wasn’t opened. I was so determined to leave the place after I did what I had to, but fear of Man made me stay on.. (actually is a blessing in disguise..)

Later after, I blessed him and prayed for him. I learnt the truth.. he was part of the Christmas play of the Christ Jesus’ birth. He was ‘Joseph’. Den I understood liao.

Even so.. I was deeply emotional disturbed by the different bands’ performance.. the songs they sang with the poorly angled speakers. Emotional stirred up trouble.. I started to ‘prophesy’.

All my prophecies were negative comments of the church. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared that I would be responsible for the church’s fall if I don’t tell my prophecies that I called Pastor Char.. Den after all her question on what-God-was-trying-to-tell-you thingy.. I gave up.

“I don’t care liao. God!! You settle it yourself.”

Den.. Anointing was though the glorious light through the cloud, beamed around you.. separating the darkness from the light. Flowers were blooming within my heart.. God was there.

Amazingly.. I started to chat with the gal beside me and get to know her better.. Where’s she from? What church she attends to, bla bla..

And I was the only swaying coconut tree within the block of stony stones when it comes to the ending worship.. It was the first time I experience God in a traditional church. Like it was though in Revival Nation. He’s omnipresent. Omni-everywhere..

Before the ending worship, Joshua left with my seniors who were as well invited for the X’mas celebration.. Reverence of God’s authority.. I waited for Eric Soong ( my infamous senior).

The opportunity was there to ask for forgiveness to the false accusation against him and made crude remarks of him.. He forgave and blessed me after knowing my intentions to meet him when he’s done. I blessed him in return and the bitterness between us was banished by God. I was so grateful..
That, my heart spoke,

“God Rulzzz…”



Remembering what Pastor How said abt the 'Dream' sermon.. I'm so slow to recognize that..

"People with No Dream"
"People with Low Dream"
"People with Wrong Dream"
"People with God Dream"

Mourning for many of my friends to see them to have no dreams at all, especially those who always complain that life's so boring.. i'm hibernating.. I have nothing to do in the holidays.. You know what I have been so packed with so much things to do..

Selling tee-shirts.
Serving the church in the paperwork ministry.
Doing SPCA volunteer work (just got retrenched, terminated my service for the time being.).
Giving out flyers.
Meeting with friends to learn rollerblading.
Sought for a bookshelf with one friend, brought with another friend.
Tidied my room thoroughly.
Cleared up my family bathroom. (Killed many cockroaches.)

There is no one day, I spent my day fully either on computer or on television.. Trying to reduce my secular media exposure, so not to waste time to off-load them from my mind. Reduce media, reduce unnecessary temptation.

What sadden me most, was and is the people whom I once spent almost 4 hours in every weekday or sometimes weekends seeing and chatting, have no dream or low dreams..
Either nothing to do, camping at home or working busily from day to night...

Natural works have natural results. You reap and you sow.

Many just watch video after video, computer games after computer games.. aimless entertainment, 'cos man needs something to fill up the emptiness of the heart and soul. An empty shell.
Some work for money, to save up as much as possible. Wanting a loaded pocket to please oneself after a day's work. Nothing to do, so go and work.

For me. I don't work for the seen, but the unseen. Den what is the unseen? the relationship with God, which is faith.

" What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Hebrews 11:1

Den people will mock me..
'ZHan, so holy arh?? den how.. X'mas coming soon. No money can't buy things for yourself and others.'
No money?? But they dun know how i'm enriched my God's abundance in my life..

I have..
-The visor of my preference at a cost of 15 bucks.
-The 19 bucks IKEA bookshelf with what i wanted: 4 shelves.
-Clocked up as much as 16 hours of CIP hours at my dispose.
-A better relationship with the Church leaders.
-Know better of my church family - my brothers and sisters.
-My faith grew tremendously, from a scrawny soul into a mighty man for God.

My allowance through out the period.. was enough.
Christmas presents: God prompted me to buy for only a specific group of people. The rest, God himself will enrich them Himself.

However.. not every weather is always fine. Have more clouds doesn't mean better shelter from the scorching sun.. it could be a thunderstorm as well.

Waves after waves of spiritual attacks.. confusion and assumption are deadly traps. All are just waiting for me to take the wrong step and get ensnare unknowingly and fall again.

Let me take you back to 4 days ago.. it was the day I met with 4E classmates (I'm from 4F)

That day, Bertram invited Joshua to join them for 'small reunion' - Billy, James, Ivan and himself and Joshua.
Just nice, I was having a full fast on that day.

At first, I declined den Joshua (i dun know how) persuaded me to go. We took MRT from Toa Payoh to Somerset (Eating at HMV). Immediately when i took the first step out from the train. A voice spoke,
' How filthy is the place.. ( not litters but the spiritual atmosphere)."

I was taken by it. Den one though let to another though.. I was mutterly confused. However, all the voice spoke of was the truth..

Orchard is like the Big Apple (New York), where the Richest of the Rich come and the Poorest of the Poor set foot on. Youngsters camped at the exit of MRT station to sell 'good-deed-tickets' and the aged selling whatever they can to the commuters, from Toto tickets to tissue packs. The loaded and nationality fugitives roam the streets, armored with bags after bags of 'in' apparel.. comforted by the entertainment there.. intoxicated by the aura of senseless fashion that some are apparently defying conventional, creating modesty controversy. Actions by immature passion were situated at every corner away from the light. Desperate call to high headed for their thoughtless donations into the crimson Salvation Army pot , which was accompanied by the ringing of the distant hand held bell.

Every corner of my fragile heart melts as the holy fire burns violently, I was experiencing holy anger..
Though, it was holy anger, my bitterness veiled my spiritual eyes. I was naive.. so naive that it wasn't the Holy Spirit that was pouring thoughts into me, but the Spirit of Death.. his objective was to kill that fire with bitterness, which resulted in confusion..

I took to long enough for me to generate my faith to plead for a Rhema.. before i decided to break fasting.. I hid myself in the toilet cubical to pray.. den came,

"Blessed are those who bless you."

I didn't know that Billy was treating everyone on this meal - he has a POSB debt card. Until I had chosen cheese sausage with the.... ( what is that again? the one with alot of potato strips.)
Oh ya.. we went to Marché. You SHOULD see the price. ( Compared to the abundance God promised, its nothing.) Let me repeat: we went to M-A-R-C-H-E.. (I had to go to Heeren website to check for the spelling.)

I regretted to watch this documentary about the history of fastfood.. den sausage was one of the greatest fastfood junk food.

"When you eat a sausage, dun think of the manufacturing process of them, especially when ingredients are from the 'spare' parts of a pig. It could be the eyes or something else that is round as well."

In the end.. I ate only the internal of long and thick sausage, leaving the skin on the plate. The rest complaint that i'm gross.. (blame the television, that's why i decided to reduce my media dosage). After that, the total spentiture was S$55++... for 5 people. Ok lar.. Poor Billy.

Next.. the standard procedure when you are in Orchard without a dream.. you go play pool for some cheap thrill..

I dun really wanted to play, 'cos I supposed to.. sort of in church doing paperwork and having cell group in church at 6 p.m.. The bitterness of me coming to Orchard, made me feel gulity.
As we strolled along to the pool club, i saw many people.. people without dreams. The spiritual atmosphere was so poisonous that my faith was succumbed by fear.. the fear of man.

Glanced at many senior citizens who supposed to be enjoying their golden years, were sitting on anything that had four legs and moaned at the cold stern faces.. I didn't dare to look at their eyes..the eyes of sorrow which now they regretted for their wasted youth.. they reap what they sow. I wanted to help them, but some sold Toto tickets which the Spirit behind all these are evil.. gambling.
I was dumbfounded.. I didnt know what to do for the best.. One by one, I loped passed them. One by one, hitted my fragile heart.

"God!! Why are u showing me this? Why?" I screamed inside me.
There was no answer.

Playing pool was when I started to lighten up. The cheap thrill was getting into me. The scular music was soothening my ears.. but the bitterness spread its roots deep into my faith. Balls slammed into the pockets like steel beans hitting against each other to spread the vibration to the end of the lining..
I was so hungry for something, something.. that i couldn't explain..

"ZHan.."

Bertram took my concentration away. I sat beside him on the dark brownish couch and crossed my legs. James took over my absentence.. I started to pour everything to Bertram.. He listened to me and gave me comments. But i remembered nothing, 'cos my heart wasn't opened.

However, after i bidded farewell to the gang and he walked me to the MRT. He prayed for me. Every word ceased the growth of the root of bitterness.. the Power of Prayer.. thought praying at the public was something that I'm uncomfortable with, I needed it. Desperately....

I held my tongue and too my thoughts.. I was determined to wait until I reached church den asked my spiritual parents (Church leaders).

The door swayed opened.. I saw Daryl playing Mechwarrior cards with David. They were so engrossed, 'cos Daryl brought his cards like so many years ago but just mastered how to battle with them. I greeted the rest - Junjie, Sis Von, Pastor Char and Su... (Pastor just had cell)

I did a short qt. 'cos i did a short one in the morning. I did the close-your-eyes-and-hope-for-a-rhema-to-appear-on-any-page-of-the-bible style. Read once and again. Didn't get anything thru. Nvm. Prayed. Nothing.

Plan B: I went to do the paperwork. Saw Sis Von. She was online chatting with her disciples on MSN. I knew that it was it.. I recitied everything from Big Apple to Bertram's comments. And her reply struck me,

"When experiencing Holy anger, You will be mad for a while. But in the end, you will think what you can do to from God's perspective.." (something like that.. Goldfish memory)

The roots on my faith just perished.. It was a Rhema for me.


Just wanted to talk to somebody is so difficult, especially on Friday night and also on the day when the results for students going to be posted for the first three months had been released. Eveyone is just not at home, mostly.

The first call I made to was to Joshua… primary concern was to find out about his results, except that I knew he was sent to CJC, other information was unknown. Spoke to him, den asked him whether he was free on the day after Christmas… I’m baptizing on that faithful day. Well.. He said alright den the conversation ended with him excusing himself to get a hot bath and retire for the night.

Next, I called Suhartono ( did I spell correctly again?). Asked him the same old question. However, a though came to me. I remembered that he was interested in the Jesus and God thingy, den invited him for this Sunday’s service.. Amen? Den the line went off, apologizing that he had to go bathe as well…

Girlsss, I thought of. Flipped opened my handphone. Browsed. Searched and Called. Either it was the everlasting buzzing echoing in my ear or that the only remaining human being at the house picked up the phone, usually all were, “ sorry, not in. Thank you. Bye.”

Why looking for someone to talk to seem to be impossible. Impossible to the extent that none was free to entertain me.. maybe it wasn’t the right time to call anyone. Browsing thru the MSM, can’t sign in. (of cos lar.. didn’t dial up my modem… dumb)

Today, I’m not in the mood to blog now. Cos I;m blogging another account. Many ‘Rhema’ flooding in me that I need to write down on the other personal blog. For eyes only. So no seasonal long essay or thesis today.

One more thing.. I’m struggling within myself after seeing many things happening concurrently at the leart of the city. I’m now heartbroken. Holy anger just engulfed me until I’m spiritual blinded. Need sometime to seek God for revelations and his ‘Rhema’.

Currently, attending School of Leader in church, like school.

Pile of homework and many run errands need to be fulfilled. So will be blogging the gist of my concerns for now.

I just couldn't sleep last night, cos i met someone whom I have been crouching with anticipation.. I made my first contact with AMANDA..
The angels with snowy white wings, flattering within the glorious light that pierced thru the gray canopy, praising and worshiping at the Awe of His presence... Hey hey, she's not a goddess.
( Constant struggling with my sub-conscience...)

Apparently.. my anticipation came to an end. However... chuan chen i have finally tasted your ' forbidden’ fruit. muahaha… I know your little dark secret after Mr Tan had enlightened me.. You should know my side of the bargain.. a huge Christmas present for me and I might carry it with me into my coffin.

Amanda.. aManda.. amAnda.. amaNda.. amanDa.. amandA..

Let me recall what I know about her..
It took me a few minutes to memorize her spelling for her name.
Initially, Its like A-M-A-D-A-N. sounded like a posh brand for some piece of leather handbag..
Den we are of the same descendant of Lord Robert Baden Powell. She’s a gal guide and I’m a boy scout.
Den we are the same body of Christ. Sister in Christ and Brother in Christ.
Den we are the descendant of Adam. I’m a boy and she’s a gal. Human beings.
Den we are in love with each other. ( hey.. not me. It’s the sub-conscious typing.)

Sub-conscience: don’t u dare to lie to yourself.. which oso includes me. muhahaha.. ( I tied him onto the tree with a masking tape across his mouth. Tearing it will be a nightmare to his facial hair.. muahaha)

Back to Amanda…
I can’t tell very much about her.. but one thing I know.. Many. as in more than 2 persons are cutting each other throats to pursue her.. oops. What did I just blogged? lalala… never trust a scout in tights.

This morning was so… I-want-to-sleep-more-but-I-had-to-meet-my-friend-to-pass-him-the-tee-shirt-den-I-was-early-but-he-was-very-late attitude. I ate the same breakfast I had before the first day of my freedom. Microwaved (real) wheat cereal with milk and a piece of bread with creamy peanut butter was glutted languishly into my belly, without complain; even though I dislike the plain salty disgusting liquid, flowing warmly through my pipes into my HCl acid storage.

Loped and loped to the same old place to board the same old bus to the same old destination to the same old High school to see the same old people lingering at the same old compound with the same old gang. Saw the same old (unbelieved-together)couple : DK and VP, driving their same old wagon and park at the same old carpark. Came me and asked the same old lame question: “why are u here? Siting on the floor and reading”
Den I replied with the same old reason: “I’m waiting for my friend.”

Nothing has changed, apparently the school’s still the same old building with our same old dearest solemn principal lodging in this same old brother’s keep. Soaking in his same old conspired bathtub filled with fresh HL milk and sipping it as well. (Yeww… gross.)

I read the Chinese version of the Newsweek about the CAO scandal and I was terribly flabbergasted by the Chen’s incompetent experience in oil price gamble against professional gamblers from the west. He was definitely got trashed by them. Trashed until he couldn’t turn over, settling the financial bankruptcy was indefinitely. Singapore dollar 550 million… Even Singapore government can’t close an eye upon this scandal. Mr Chen is predicted to be sent behind everlasting bars… never again to be able to create a ‘Shen Hua’ or legacy as many described when CAO’s shares was soaring within 2 dollars within 3 years’ time and collapsed over 3 seasons of conspired oil business trading. If summarized, he’s in deep shit. Smelly shit.

Holy Spirit came knocking at my door… ‘Read Purpose Driven’. Obviously, I obeyed.
“Knock! Knock!”
“Who’s there ?”
“Holy Spirit.”
“Holy Spir… er what are you doing here?”
“Read Purposes Driven…”
“Read what?”

There was a moment of silent.
Reluctant to unzip (I’m not in the loo), I unlocked the jaws and randomly shafting and pulling to find the book. Yahoooo… Dick Warren. So little Dicky got a story for me…

Servant’s Heart. A heart to serve.
A minute passed and I’m still slightly blur blur. no input… absolutely nothing..
Two minutes passed. To be like Jesus = to serve others.
Ten minutes passed. Jesus had no one beneath him. He came to serve.
30 minutes passed. I’m jammed - Servant has to be committed to his chores. Even the mundane ones. No one is exempted. Isn’t Jesus great? He washed Peter’s feet.. Imagine the days where BO was like perfume.
50 minutes passed. If you give a cup of cold water to the least of your family, God will never forget it, but will write it in the Book of Life.
1 hour + passed. A familiar feature was approaching me.. Tze Peng had arrived. – applause echoed –

Gave him the warmest smile and tried to mediate positively: To serve with a joyful heart. To serve with a …
Gently handed over the tee-shirt that he had ordered and collected the balance that he still own. Guess what? He was back in school to see Mrs. Chee (Panties of the Nation -> Joshua told me) for her testimonial, so Tze Peng could submit his overall testimonial to Mr. Thoedy…
Mediate: ‘John Three Sixteen - For God so love the World that He gave his only Son to…’
(Sub-conscience too tired to struggle with me… dozed off while being hung on the tree.)

Board 100 to Church… Sat at the couch facing the entrance. Den came 2 young gals who’s fashion statement was flamboyant that their skirt can barely cover their modesty. So short… Den all the cheeky ah peks glanced and viewed the extravagant scene. Either the gals were desperate for limelight or they were testing my patience:
“To see or not to see.. was that my question?”
Mediate: “see and your eyes will grow maggots…” (Ouch!! That’s gotta hurt.)
Not only their fashion was an ‘eye opener’… they spoke like nobody’s business in the artificial America accent, emphasizing the ‘lor’, ‘lar’, ‘lei’, ‘lee’ and ‘hor’

Their speech was like this,
“Gottagettheclothesanduknowilvuslylor. Hesssocoollei.”
“XXXXyouman.lor”

Something like that. Couldn’t ta han them. If my disciples are like that the next time, when the church grows. I will surely make them wear the modesty cloth and rinse their mouth with everything and anything… Very destructive to me.. Sexual immortality will cut me off from my intimacy with God indefinitely.

I typed so much liao… but havent say why God is my underwear. Tired sia.
1 o’clock liao lei…

Skip my unpleasant incident when photocopying the documents for the church journal…
Go to Cell group incident. During cell, we had games – Win, lose or draw; which was to draw something and people guess what is it. I draw with Sis Von. 5 – 5 each. Den the lesson was on quiet time.
Bla bla bla… Den was teamed up prayer. I was with Su.
Sat on the floor. Spoke about our distractions, shared our problems we faced. Den sudden, like though the heaven’s door opened. Wisdom precipitated on me. I started to share my experience with Su about overcoming constant imperfection. I told her to mediate on God’s word.

“Since you know how to ponder over problem, which is worrying den mediating God’s Rhema will be same, just that ponder over His Words,”

It’s the best way and only way out in tough circumstances. Den the time and opportunities that I got tested over my foundations of what I have absorbed form Dick Warren. I poured and poured.. my tongue was slabbing nonstop.

Prayed in tongues for beginning. Tried to pray with my mind. Didn’t work.

“ Pray in Spirit. Pray in Spirit. Pray in…”

Spoke in tongues again den God spoke to me.

“Tell Su. Don’t worry, be Happy.”
“Happy or joyful?”
“HAPPY!”

Told her. Give her an assurance tug on her crossed legs.
Spoke in Tongues again. Now what had next was really spiritual. I couldn’t stop speaking.
Tongues..Tongues and more Tongues.

He spoke again.

“Leave Su alone by herself to confess her sins precisely, so that I can give her the solution precisely as well. Pour everything onto my hands and I will crush it for her.”
(Something like that.. ‘cos I was a little bit excited.)

And I Left.

Why God is my Underwear?

Cos during cell. The Holy Ghost ministered to me abt the incident of my mum not washing my laundry.
He gave me an idea of my underwear:

Free size
(Only He knows my size, what I like.)

Gives the correct support.
(So no internal spiritual injuries might happened unintentionally.)

Clean
(No yeast will make me spiritually unclean.)

Sweat
(Like Jesus who died on the Cross with all the wrath carried by him)

Washing it
(Surrendering all)

Not have it
(Insecurity / Lost of intimacy.)

Have new clean pair
(Back to my first love.)

Connecting to what Bro Sean said to me once, “Don’t treat God like a disposable Underwear.”

Now the full version:
“Don’t treat God like a Disposable Underwear, but like Your Underwear that You always Wear.”

Ain't you excited when you bought something that is prepared by God... I asked for a 20 bucks budget bookshelf, I found one in IKEA for 19 bucks and with a 4 shelfs.. Its awesome!!
I spent the whole afternoon assembling it. Screwing it. Tightening it. Raising it. And finally fixed it. Yahoooo... Assembling it was my primary concern and secondary was the layout of the books I have.

Four shelves..
The highest - dictionaries and Adult Magazines (Economist and Newsweek)
Second highest - Language books. (From Chinese proverbs to The Merchant of Venice)
Second lowest - Brother's Christian books.
Lowest - Old textbooks and Files of Notes.

Phew.. there's only a few books left, no space for all the books I wanted to slot in. Still can't decide what to do with them. Headache Headache...

After all the slotting and packing, I decided to clear up the bathroom. 'Cos i don't know where to put my toiletries and still leaving them in my bedroom make no sense.

I was determined to clean up the whole bathroom.. From clearing all the used shampoo bottles to the fish tank parked against the wall.
I was dumbfounded by the amount of junks, our family didn't want to throw away after usage. In short, we are lazy.

The trash filled up two NTUC bags and there were still some left. The litters around the toilet seat was flooding the dustbin.. And the gross thing was that my sister's used sanitary pads were stuck on the bin itself. Yuck..
I made her pull it out and throw into the bin with a trash bag.

The fish tank was the worse of all... as i had predicted: It was the Cockroach’s incubator. I turned the tank over and they are pouring from inside. Spinning and crawling everywhere... the huge ones ( bigger than my thumb) and tiny ones (as small as lizard's poo poo). I targeted them with the shower head and sprayed them at full blast with hot water, but they were sliding along the water flow (apparently the water was not hot at all).

I was pushed to the edge.. and chose the pesticide as my secret weapon against such unwelcome intruder or intruders..
My fear for cockroaches was actually my brother's fault.. He bought a RPG game: Fallout Tactics.. Eliminating enormous cockroaches made me feel so uneasy.
Den in reality, Killing cockroaches made me feel sick.. like insect psycho. I hate to kill bugs whether they are harmful or otherwise... just don't like it. very messy. always stir up the butterfly within me. Sometimes, my gulity conscious hounds me when I kill them.. Boohoo.

After the freaky incident, washing the rusty stains and fixing the casing for the shampoo bottles and etc were the tough ones.. The pails with rusty handles stained the floor with circles and circles of copper (III) ions and they are unremovable.. The casing was dirty, very dirty. with alga growing by the corners and the disgusting thing was there were cockroach eggs and lot of lizard's poo poo. I had to scrub them with a tiny toothbrush coated with a thick layer of toothpaste and scrub.. scrub.. scrub..

The combined scent of toothpaste and pesticide was killing my nose.. my scent became so numb that fresh air really.. really smell FRESH.
I could feel my nose hair screaming and grasping for something pure.. not synthesis.

Now.. the bathroom under my determined renovation and effective cleaning.. it looks more like a bathroom rather than a wet and dame storeroom. No more fish tanks and empty bottles lying everywhere but a clean and MOST IMPORTANT COCKROACHES-FREE bathroom that haunts me of the unpleasant moments of my life... Kill. Kill. Kill them all.. muhahaha

After being mum-like, busy doing housework. I made up my mind to go for a short but fruitful run around the estate...
As i was washing the bathroom, I didn’t wear anything except for a waterproof short with no undies (for modesty, cos sister at home making calls to customers).
The reason I wasn't wearing.. was that my mum forget to wash my laundry for about a week and yesterday i just wore the last of it.. I ran out of them. RAN out of them... horror to me.
I cant run without it, otherwise i will have internal injuries with harsh bruises where the sun never shines. It was a tough decision to make..

'To Reuse or not to Reuse. That's the question.'

If REUSE, i will search within the pile for a clean and decent looking, double-check and powder it with talcum powder (hope that the scout method works).And I get a 'brand new' undies with talcum powder fragrant to cover up the pungent odor..

If otherwise, i will be suffering unrepairable injuries, beyond what medical science can recover, after the 'fruit' run. Or i don't run.. and become a couch potato and rot.. possible of losing my reputation for having a pair of sexy toned (hairless) legs.

Alas..My final answer is REUSE.
Den there was a sudden change in weather... dark clouds gathered at the command of the thunder and the voice of the howling wind. Lightning and thunderbolt clashes across the darkness sending shivers down the spine.. It was though the Angels and Demons were battling in the spiritual realm, portrayed.... HEY!! its not the end of the world. Reusing only ma.. what's the big deal?

Now as i'm blogging.. I'm still wearing it.
So conclusion.. should i bathe now or next day morning or not at all?
er.....

Eve... She was made out of Adam's rib. (Ouch!!)
So are Females the clones of Male?
Points to consider...

No. 1 : Man can't continue to exist, without Woman.
No. 2 : Man is the source, Women is the incubator.

Haxi.. There came a phone call from Joshua den some visitation to Can.com and Red Cross website... a call to Lynette for her professional view in First Aid Course and another call back to Joshua who, as well was busy. Den bombarded with many MSM msg chatbox, flood my desktop.

Now is 2300hrs Singapore time.. My parents are still awake, having a heat argument over monetary matters. Financial problems.. Not cashflow. But a huge sum of business savings lost in sight.
When mentioning this word, 'heat'... it reminds me of cats. When cat's on heat, you will see many horrible acts and seducing purring of the feline. Male cat will be slogging when the females purrs and the reproduction cycles begins.. Yucks!! (Na.. it's so cool.. haha.)

Today's Monday.. 4 more days is MY BRITHDAY!!! Kidding... na. Its the releasing of the results of my first 3 month incubator - JC. Frankly speaking.. I don't like the lifestyle of JC, but if God sends me to any, well i will obey without doubt eventually. So.. Friday. I will be hounding you.. Beware!!

Yes... back to the topic: Women.
I made a marvelous discovery - I can smell woman.
Every woman tend to overdo something when they prepare intensively before leaving her dear bedroom and stepping into the streets of Singapore.
Their perfume and the deodorant smell the same. Not CK den Hugo Boss or not some popular brand.
I studied my sister's bureau, sprayed some and memorized each flavour and scent.
One very curious thought, er.. almost every lady that dressed very flamboyantly, tend to want her armpit and neck to be whiter ? The deodorant - Nivea.

I'm reciting what is written there:

WHITENING
Mild Care
Reduces Skin Darkening (24hours)

Er... so what's it? the in-fashion to have whiter armpits? Come on lor.. I don't even have armpit hair even at the age far away from puberty, just a few strains of leg hairs on my pair of sexy legs. Hey... I didn't try bikini wax or brazilian wax.
If... I say 'If' i have lots of leg hairs like... whos hairy? Yeti?
Ok... If i'm as hairy as Yeti, i might consider to dye my hair. From top to bottom. (er.. pubic hair? hehe...)

Den another is the Body Shop products.. if u ever smell a frequent user of the product. He or she will smell exactly like the product.. Like butter, grapes, milo (coco) or even durain ( if there is such product... XO or D24 durain shampoo. haha..)

Den some... don't use any of the product. But they still give out a different scent - The PMS scent. I remember reading some article on body odor or BO, the source can't smell its own BO. Only those with different scent from the source den can smell. Something like that...

PMS scent is very sharp and distressing type. Its very potent during the high period... it gives a don't-you-messy-with-me-otherwise-you-will-be-seeing-stars signal.

You know.. this topic can't be discussed in church. Later, Pastor will say,
"ZHan, i can't believe you tell my parents about the nipple abrasion."
Den i will smirk and murmur...
"It runs in the blood."

One day, Pastor called me 'Teddy bear' cos of my big nose.
Another day, she called me 'Wally' or 'Wallies' ( did i get the spelling right ?)
Haha... i'm a SanPhleg and Phlegsan (40:40) ma, that's why.

Oh yar.. an event to celebrate for: I got my $20 budget Bookshelf after a long tormenting day with Sally.. going to some furniture store at Kallang, dropped by the Salavtion Army Thirty Warehouse, finally ended up at IKEA.
Bought the one, first spotted with Joshua, but bought with Sally. (Paiseh. hehe...)

Interesting journey on the way home.. I was studying Sally while she's taking a nap. Her facial expression and the expression of the communters.

She was sound asleep with a few erupt action like jerking her arms suddenly and murmuring. No dripping or leaning on my shoulder (oh.. how much i hope for.haha..)
On the other hand, a lady with a notebook, leaning against the window, facing me was secretly observing us. (hehe.. cheeky) NA.. she's actually taking notes of the news report on TV mobile about the China's Busting Diamond Industry. (Phew...)
Maybe she is a private investigator... - Mr. Bean's theme song -

My eyelids are just going against me. Heavier and heavier and heavier...
(Currently.. ZHan is sleeptyping and his sub-conscious is in charge now.)
Is "confused" strong enough to express my feelings now? Maybe should check the Thesaurus. Let me see… there are ‘puzzle’, ‘perplex’, ‘baffle’, ‘mystify’, ‘bewilder’, and ‘confound’. Don’t know lar..

For the past few weeks, I have been keeping a close chase after the news of the China Aviation Oil big financial scandal. 9 billion bucks down the drain (according to my Dad’s ‘reliable’ information), after a terrible miscalculation in the price of one barrel of untreated oil. He lost 9 billion bucks in the oil stakes. The eventual consequence is that his company might face bankruptcy and he who is the CEO will surely sentence behind the bars for at least 8 years.

Just went to watch the news about his scandal, currently no comments yet to begin with.

Well… you can say that I’m softhearted or just wasn’t the material for complex business world out there. I felt that he’s quite poor thing. He’s now… I would say a white collar vagrant. I don’t know whether is it that he’s acting or otherwise, but I reckon that many companies were also in debt becos of his err. I’m neither the victim nor the associate to the company.

Now, I’m going to watch the special report on the CAO scandal.

I have a poor judgment on people. Haxi… Now I finally understood why CAO owns big bucks, cos what they did was illegal exchange and all were done unnoticing to the mother company as well as the company associates. However, I believe that the suspended CEO will rise again after serving the sentence he deserves. I sense that his son will be a chip of the block. I really hope that their passionate for business will be the heart of mine for God. To fulfill the Great Commandant and Commission, I will need the passion for God with obedience in my walk of faith.

This afternoon, I had an inspiring sharing by Sister Yvonne about the direction of the Church, Pastor David had told us last week. It’s been a week since he touched the very depth of our hearts, but I have not been mediating about his sermon. Guilty is what I would describe my feelings now. Sorry can’t change anything, but I still have time to repent…

The dream I had during dawn, really shocked me. Its like warfare in the spiritual realm is not just prayer and others, but it also involves action. Like warfare, soldiers are needed to be on the frontline to support the artillery and battle tanks. We need to conquer a beach head, in order to deploy the supporting units into the heart of the enemy.

During the WII, the allies wanted to Nazis to fall and made the toughest decision. To capture the beachhead before advancing into the heart of the Nazi, many life were at stakes. There is such description of the situation at the beachhead: ‘the sea was red around the beachhead.’
I would say that my beachhead is not secure yet, cos I’m still pondering whether the decision I made was correct. An indecisive commander is the vertical point between defeats or conquers. I was a ‘sissy’ commander, so I sent a few soldier to the beachhead to see what the situation is over there. Garrison of veterans Verse a few soldier, of course, wiped off instantly before setting foot on the coral. That’s what I’m in.

However, unknowingly… The Holy Spirit spoke to me,
“Go and eat Roti Prata now, downstairs.”
“Err… ok?”

But I changed my mind when I saw the price list. Almost everything was about one buck or more, I was discouraged by the price and was confused as well, I was contemplating why the Holy Spirit said that.
As soon as I was about the board the MRT train back home, Jasmine called me.
“Zhi Han, are you eating at the Prata shop?”
“No.. I decided not to eat.”
“Oh den… nevermind lor. Cya tomorrow?”
“Yar.”

After pondering for a while, ‘Go and eat Roti Prata now, downstairs.’

“Hello? Jasmine, where are you now?”
“ Er.. still in church lor.”
“ Still eating?”
“Yar.”
“I decided to eat now.”
“Okie, see you at the Prata shop.”

Something just happened inside me. A flush of faith came into me. It’s like first love experience. Expecting only Jasmine to be dinning with, Joanna and Celeste were joining as well… What should I say ? Thank God. Amen?
After that, the Holy Spirit spoke,

“Spend some time on fellowship. Reap what you sow and sow what you reap.”

And the roti prata high tea was fruitful, very fruitful. I knew more about everyone on the round table and we had the VIP table as well… at the back alley.

You see the benefit when you don’t rationalize what God is doing. Everything will be perfect. I did rationalize, but I was given a second chance to reflect on my actions when Jasmine called me. Otherwise, I will be on board MRT train, contemplating and regretting what might happen if I do likewise.

The lesson I learnt as well, during sharing was that,
Righteousness = having faith
Holy = complete obedience

I was tested immediately, soon after cell. So always be prepared, when tests and trials come your way, you will overcome them with full obedience.
Frankly speaking, I didn’t know I was being tested then, until now as I’m blogging.

God works in a mysterious ways. Your thoughts can’t par with His, unless He shows you and explains His Almighty plan, otherwise it’s nothing to your understanding.

Gosh… This is the long blog submission. But I still have lots of say.

Nevermind.. I have to retire now; otherwise I will be fetching a taxi to church again or get fine 10 bucks eventually.

A revelation of my dream, and I just finished my brunch, while watching Gundam Seed on Kids Central …

I didn’t have a good sleep last night… I had a terrifying dream of what was going to happen soon or the near future of the church.
We are going into combat, armed with rifles, bulletproof vest and heavy-duty combat boots.

It was an Alien Vs Predator 2D game landscape, which eliminating Alien was the primary concern with the cooperation of Humans and Predators.

I was alone, armed like a Predator with meat slicing weapons and plasma firearms. I was a veteran during the dream, slaughter and bashed the Aliens without reverence. Killing all was my solo purpose to be able to survive the treacherous conditions without any assistance. I would say… I was so oppressed by the circumstance that was presented to me. That, I just wanted to end my life (or the game), but it felt so real (or was real), in which I realised that it was no game at all from the beginning..
After the long bloody and gruesome battle, I found the mother spacecraft platform, for which we were to gather for safety. I wasn’t the first to reach there.. there was someone else.

Two was sitting at the front of the boarding bridge. I glanced that them and I saw a gal and a person whom I assumed was a Predator. I sensed that she was from the church, so I questioned her about her adventure. But I could recall what her reply was.
Next, I asked her who was beside her; she explained that he was a Predator. I shot her another question immediately,
“er.. Why is still dressed so fully?” (Something like that)
“He has skin condition that he cannot have contact with sunlight.”

Not long, another team came in. It was Daryl and his partner. He was carrying his brown-orange strips Crumpled bag (the one he always brings to church) and was gripped on his firearm.
“Hey! That’s my friend. He’s a drunken,” Daryl introduced.
The drunken was pressing his filthy white handbag against the wall, adjacent to the exit. He had the drunken looks and dressed identically as a normal American drunken I seen on TV. He was donned in hay brown clothing with holes bitten by rats and had an unshaven face with a pair of drowsy eyes, staring weakly at me.

Soon, Pastor Char and her team came in one piece, with mostly church members and a handful of new friends forming the team. As soon as, Pastor Char (sort of) made a signal, the mother spacecraft came into the landing port for us to board the ship. However, either she or someone else said that there was someone else, so we waited for them as some board first.

A girl appeared. Her height was a meter so and aged about 8 to 9 years old.
She had a babyish look and her face was covered with strokes of dirt across her cheeks. She was slightly blonde and was donned in a simple looking dress. She had a clear plastic made bag, those children type of shoulder bag that is transparent but had cartoon characters on it.
She looked very unhappy. The ‘purest’ unhappiness was expressed across her face. So pure that it diffused a very potent scent of displease across the air. Pastor Char and Daryl dashed across the platform, towards her.

A huge shadow cast over the girl who then had tears swelling in her eyes (the kind in Japan animation - the smaller version of crystal watery eyes). The shadow had an impact in my heart – an indescribable fear.

Boom… Boom… Boom…

A Sherk look-a-like appeared instantly. He wasn’t green but had normal human skin colour. I didn’t notice his dressing as I was quite far away when he presented himself.

(Movie style) My vision zoomed in, at the bright red circular button by the side of the exit. The human Sherk was so clumsy, literately like a bull in a china shop, pressed hard onto the button. The jaws by the exit were shutting.
(Movie style) My vision zoomed out, but slowed down like Matrix style. The motion became very slow and my vision was like the camera moving around Pastor, who den jumped forward into the closing exit, and Daryl towards the red button.

Unknowingly, I partook the ‘rescue’ mission and threw myself forward as well…
(Movie style) My vision zoomed in at the keyboard outside the closing gate; I immediately pressed the yellow square-ish button and held on to it.

Phew… The gate stopped closing.
On the other hand, it took me a tremendous effort to hold onto the button. It’s like the strength needed to press the button is equivalent to holding on to the closing jaws of the exit.
Accidentally, I released a bit. The jaws slammed into the Sherk as he had trouble to go thru the gate… ( now can you understand how big he might be?) We thought that we had lost him, got sliced by the sharp jaws.

Phew… I think, Daryl came to the rescue and too pressured onto the button.
Soon after, as everyone was a counted for..

‘PUFF!!’

I was awaked by the scorching morning sun frying my exposed top and also the howling of my alarm echoing by my ears.

"Every breathe I take, I will give thanks to the God above, by testifying his love..." I'm in love with this pharse. Every circumstance is a season for growth and expansion, even at the death-facing period.
I wouldn't say that i'm from a well-being family or otherwise. Just a slightly above average family with both parents and 3 silblings (including myself) living under the same roof, I should be very much contented.

Some of my friends, their parents were either overseas working their heads off or legelly separated. They seemed to be very cheerful and positive in their circumstances, but when I received a call from parents barking me to be home on time... they tried to hide their enviness and hatred as well. They hate people with 'perfect' parents, 'perfect' life, compared to theirs.
I don't know how to console them, with empathy or sympathy... both just can't always do the trick.

A hat trick is always seem easy, but when u are on the pitch... you are always being tricked.I'm lost when the situation is on my shoulders to bear, i just stood at my comfort spot and wait until someone comes to assist me... usually is my elder brother or sister.

I'm always on the frontline of the dispute, which i just like peacekeeping forces that only make sure no physical is being provoked...
den comes the signal aka communication troops - my sister, whom my mum will call and brag every unhappiness to her thru the phone, until her ear drums made her so immune to mum..
lastly, the foot soldiers that come into action to sum up the dispute, with supportive comments and just stood by mum and give her the listening ears.

After the war... everythinng will be settled within three days with total slients in the house. Dad will be so engrossed to the TV, mum sleeping early.Sister and brother will be out with friends to jala jala... me ? recovering from the hurts with prayer and fasting, until my spirit is renewed again by God's touch.. Its a not easy to put down and stand up to face everyone again with my broken spirit... It's just too much to bear by oneself.

I don't blame my parents that they put all their energy on business and hope that i will grow up independently... When i fall, i know how to rise up again. However, each time i fall, i can't rise immediately but crawl slowly to find a pillar to support me up.. den here comes the support of friends.

They are like the solo purpose of your exsitance, everything you do evolve around them..However, its not enough... i hunger for more, 'cos of what i been thru. i demanded for more. i was insufficient.
That when a direction was opened to me. Or a difficult decision to make - for Love or money ( na... not some real life drama) for man's love or God's love..

In the end, i gave up the friends and relationships that might hav bloomed and beared unproductive fruits... I gave up ORPC and Pri sch friends. I left them and was uncertian about my decision. I den threw all my energy into Scouts.. every blood, every tear into maintaining a broken troop, that have been disintegrated into slacks and the powerful..

A waste of energy and time... that my youth was lost along with mystudies.. Nothing was successful. nothing was bearing any fruit. I I was at the end of the cliff, at the tip of devil's mouth.

A simple jump... and everything will be in motion without my presence. I would be just a memory of a nice and sweet boy who made the wrong decision that ended his journey of life.
Will I go to heaven? NO!! absolutely no. I will be ensalved by the prince of death that I will be bounded under his commands for his expanse... his expanable asset. I will be under his yoke eternally.

At that point, it was my turning point. My (dy/dx)... My minimum point that all would be lost if i choose not to turn back. I did... eventually.

A powerful being was introduced into my life at that point... The Holy Spirit. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit became so real, that mountains shake and rivers cease flowing under their belt. Chosen people can run on water, rather than walk on water. Power ministries are conceived with souls redeemed.
And I was one of them. Amen..

I was born again, but still lost. I was without any parents, not legelimate parents, but spiritual ones. There came one - SAC.. but i was rejected. I was as good as an orphan. Until, I was given to a young church to incubate me... for my growth. The spanking and cajoling made me whom i'm today. A true believer of Christ, than a superficial convert.

Until today, I was grateful for the purpose I was made for and the circumstances I needed to experience to accomplish that purpose - to serve others wholehearted with reverence for God.

Its been a bright Friday mid-day... gotten get some entertainment to brighten up the drizzling with me.

My eyes are hurting after sobbing over my stubborn parents... My eyes are bloodshot red. It hurts when I blink... Tears are swelling within my horizon and my vision is slightly blurred.

Trying to calm myself and prevent further embarrassment.. I'm now listening something useful... Some contemporary Christian music. My stomach hurts from the dinner I had; drank slurpee to have brainfreeze to calm my nerve-racking soul.

I'm feeling useless, utterly useless... in this type of real life situation - my parents fought ferociously, like two wild creatures shouting and screaming at each other...

When I received a sms from my sister, who just returned from JB, that there was trouble, I thought she was just kidding... I was so naïve. I thought everything would be fine if I try to honor my parents in any way I can. I'm so tired... of trying to keep up with them.

Since as young as K1, I have never tasted home cooked lunch or dinner... Both parents (seemed) working hand in hand with each other to help recover my grandparents' blood shed business. Help to save the reputation of the shop, at the extent of family bonding and everything.

I really miss my mum's cooking.. Every time when I was young, I envied my classmates who had home cooked recess food.. Every time, they complaint that the food was horrible, I wanted to bash them up... hard.

Everything has a price to pay... whether you know. My freedom was paid at a price of lack of parental approval in anything... Even though, I did well when in primary school. Received quite a handful of awards, they weren't with the spectator assembly. Neither taking photos nor cheering for their son to be poised when receiving...

Contrary, I always encouraged my friends to be forgiving and understanding if their parents were late for the award presentation, when my parents weren't even considering attending it, even if I persuaded profusely to them...

This year, when I was getting one of the most prestigious award in school - Service Award for Scouts. They didn't give any thoughts to that ceremony and just waved their sorry-busy-can't-go gesture. I was so heartbroken initially.. but God gave me the assurance that He was there for their absentness.

God was always there for me.. when I sobbed, I was pouring at his feet.. my unhappiness, my insecurity, my hatred...
Once He gave me this,
“Honor your parents and live long. "
It was a huh ?!?... what-you-taking-about reaction.

But now, I understand. When I was in circumstances with my parents out of reach. My friends were there to support me, but many had different heart as me... soon. I left them, 'cos i knew that God had prepared a new set (I would say..) of church friends and secondary friends that par better.

Many friends.. I would say. I would name a few...
Joshua and Bertram
Both of them are very corny sometimes, but they are really a pillar of support. Though, I’m different from them. One is the ARSENAL fan, the other a softball champion, we had the same heart. (You rock.. guys)
Pastor Char, Brother Sean, Sister Yvonne & Su..
The team spirit and respect I have for them is utmost, that words is priceless to describe how much spiritual guidance they gave and discipline they enforced in my walk of faith... (My spiritual parents thank you. haha.. )

They are like spies... who work in secret and with discreet that alter the shape of my miserable life. They opened windows and broken the chains of self-centerness. Marked and changed the course of my life. Spies-like pals... hehe.

Of course.. some (wild) women that also affected me. Those I hang out usually. Made me immune to womanhood... (as if I will be going through it.) But they enlightened me what I should look out for my future prospective spouse that I will care and love wholeheartedly...

Gosh.. a blink of eye. I'm 16 already and Christmas is just around the corner. Maybe, the perfect Christmas gift from God will be... found my love bird and tie the knot... SIAO!!!
Unless He says so and pastor and parents give the green light... I will not hesitate a mille-second more to propose, “Would you marry me?"

Hey!!! It's not only a girl's dream to be the bride of the day... Guys too anticipate that day of proposal when friends and strangers cheered for your successful proposal in the posh restaurant with... " I do, absolutely I do.."
Happy faces welcome the soon-to-be couple in my church... when the whole church congregation rises along with the traditional/contemporary wedding hymn lingering... Best pals filming the exchange of rings and the longgggg... approval: "You may kiss the bride.." ( ArgX.. I'm blushing.)

Haxi... My brother is back. Den my mom recited the whole to him, with some approval comment from my brother. My Dad is asleep, don't know whether is it to shun from mom.

Brother just gave me a tug on my shoulder, or should i say squeeze my shoulder blade.

My life is just so messed up, down, left, right and center. My eyes are so tired after all the weeping. Hope that everything would be fine tomorrow as the Sun rises and sets in God's nature order.

Really hope that time is a healer.. with God's grace.
And also for myself...

About the direction of my relationship compass..
God's love is sufficient, so I will not consider any relationship yet. Until His selfish affection for me is able to bear another person, whom I will lay my life for her... ( also the church. haha..)

My head is spinning like spider web adorned at the corner of my dinning hall, but my physical is under the spell of the potent 'teh bing'. Just came home after a day's work at my parents' office and the impromptu appearance in my ex-2nd home: Studentcare center.

This morning, at dusk, I was dismantling this huge and bunky computer desktop, until my skin became too dry and dusty... I was the perfect dustmits' food source. Scratching and scraping my char skin until blood was oozing out from my pores, causing my clothings to be drenched with blood. Houseflies and mosquitoes circled around me for the opportunity to indulge their thirst for warm flesh blood... (Kidding!!)

Finally, I have done clearing all the papers along my bed and the dustbin area. But, I still have lots of job needed to be done before X'mas.Talking about X'mas... This year's X'mas celebration is quite unique: The church will be doing... -Top Secret- (oops!!)

Haxi... Why am I always troubled by BG relationship? Just becos i'm nice... people starting to have weird thoughts. Not to comment so-and-so, but frankly speaking, I'm actually quite afraid of getting into relationship after watching so many movies and having seen people around me getting into unsuccessful relationship, that produced scars and stitches in their teenhood. Painful memories of their ex(s) or quarrels that lasted like the whole time they were together.
Chains of responsibilities and commitment, transformed a joyful spirit into a grumpy and depressing soul.
First was my parents, den my brother's first time... But now, everything's cool. Parents are getting along well, bro might have crush on someone or vice versa. ( Assumption only... Heard before, 'Assumption is another cause of confusion' )

Now... becos of my own intellectual stupidity, I mistakably invited trouble into my isolated life that evolves around church, SPCA, books and boobs (oops!!) Life's been calm since the day I marked the end of textbook-reading, den a strong wave slammed again my hard solid heart- someone just said that she has a crush on me... ( Hey hey... i'm the luckiest walking creature on Earth, is it so ?)

No no... is sms me that she has a crush on me. I wandered if she was serious or just wanted to see what will be my reaction to her proposal... Well, it's been at least 20 hours since I received that.

I don't know what to say. Well... She wrote a letter to me, 'cos she was very free and i encouraged her to write it. Darn... I just read it last night, no... this morning at approximately 4 a.m.. The good thing was that i could sleep after browsing thru her tiny words under faint light. Otherwise, my mum would have caught me awake... den I will be chained in the torture dungeon, whipped by my Dad's belt or be dripped with hot wax on my already burnt skin... (Woo... )

Den i also have another unfulfilled promise... to reply to another gal thru black and white. She wrote to me long before 'O' levels, but i just didn't have the mind to write back 'cos... i lied to her about my past and have forgotten what i last wrote to her liao... In short, I forgot how to lie and spin the same old story i made.

With these two letters slapping on my cheeks, i'm afraid that what i'm going to do, might be as well as shooting at my foot if I made a mistake in my expression or explanation...

Den i will be canned into cans of hotdogs ready to be BBQ or be frozen in packets in the freezer. Either way... I'm content.

How? Siao liao lor... Maybe the answer is in the Bible for me to flip and search. (I need a pack of K9s to assist me...)

Song of Solomon? Haxi.. Don't know lar. I reckoned if Song of Solomon is made into a movie, it will confirm be rated as R(A) 21- Sexual content. (er... circuit board, mother board, father board, family board are fried...)

Maybe I should give sometime to think over it.. Fast and prayer might just do the trick, or not ?

Question: What does this pharse, 'na na' mean?
1.) Finnish - Goat
2.) Chinese - women's 'Tou Fu'
3.) British - Grandmother

Actually is all...

So what do u understand from this sentence,
" I'm getting some fresh milk from our 'na na' "

Food for thought... haha.

I'm loaded. Even though I was broke. But by God's grace... my mum remembered to replenish my empty wallet. (Phew...)

Yesterday was crazy... I woke up slightly earlier than the usual Sunday, but i took my own sweet time to pack up for church. In the end, I took ANOTHER TAXI AGAIN... (Argx!!), but still late by 5 minutes lor...
Late for Ministry will be fined for 10 bucks for first 20 minutes (2x Argx!!)... Gosh! I should have taken MRT instead... waste my money.

The thought of money, made me remember 'Full Monty'... As usual, my spelling was once troubling me for my perfection in English language. I always pronounced it as 'Full Money'...
My stupidity has prevailed. Oh yes... there is a campfire cheer that i spelled stupid. as 'S-T-P-I-E, stood-pie that's what you are.' ( that's bad.. very bad.)
Forget it!!! Never to be mention again. FULLSTOP!!

Genesis 1:26 says,

' Then God said, "Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves. They will be masters over all life - the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the livestock, wild animals, and small animals." '

This verse has been troubling me from the time I stepped into SPCA to help out. I thought of what people are doing to animals that are once classified as 'pets' or 'human's best friend', which many were born of a certain species that were stereotyped as pedigree, the best of the best.

I wouldn't blame God for creating domestic animal to be sexually-raged creatures that reproduce so frequently to maintain their existence. Animals are made to let humans to feel superior and have regards for our special identity.

Having deep concern about the animals in SPCA, many have divided issues on their own on the treatment of animals, that made 'euthanased humanely' to be seen as a horrible act of protecting animals and their resources. But, how many know the authority we possessed determine the destiny of the animals, that majority of us abused it?

Mankind history has been shaped by the acts of human corruption and influence. Some were inspired by the Spirit of God, other inspired by the Spirit of Death. If we ourselves could even bear the madness to manslaughter one another, due to disunity in thoughts. What rights do we even have, to put these lovely creatures into eternal rest? Just becos to save resources or otherwise?

We have selfish ambitions... we are conquers of our own desires that meeting the mark is insufficient, we want more and more and more...

Stewardship is just a cliché.

But one thing's for sure, what is made in the world will never be comparable to what is made for eternity. Earthly rewards is the preliminary to the heavenly rewards, thus what happens on earth will determine what happens too in the spiritual realm.

If on earth, you are already a conquer for God and always working for his righteousness, den in heaven, you will be like an archangel that fights in the spiritual realm endlessly.

Are you ready to be a conquer or a AWOL steward on earth? it's time to make a decision..

I just cant believe that i have spent approximately 50 bucks already.. over about 2 weeks' period.

Taxi fare :$20
Food :$10
Visor (asked Joshua the spelling.hehe...) :$15
----------------------------------------------------------
Total $45

You know... all the taxi rides I took was to get to SPCA, to do voluteer service. Lose money !! ('cos someone posing as Mr Incredible was always on time, den if i too late oso paiseh.) No input, got output... but i believe my money will come, sooner or later.
Die liao... tomorrow need to tithe 10%, den i currently left some coins and my mum's money. haha...

Very tired now. 'Cos in the morning, i woke up just on time for me to brush up and leave for the SPCA orientation. BUT... my bro wanted me to help him find some 2-day ago chinese newspaper: Sing Ming Zao Bao. Ended up taking taxi, but still late... ( by the way, I didn't brush my teeth. Yellow Yellow dirty fellow. hehe...)

The orientation was cool... There was more women than men. er... 3:7. I think so. Cant look around, later people (like Joshua) will say i peeping for girls. haha... I was a bit late. Den sat beside Joshua and a Indian guy. He's OK. But a little bit... gay. Even though, I was squeeze between them. This Indian guy was S-H-A-K-I-N-G his legs violently... (Yuck!!) It's like molecules bombarding each other like molecular diffusion of thermal conduction thru non-metallic materials. U shake, I shake too...

Was it a blessing or a torture to be positioned directly in front of girls... (underaged girl... woohoo) Can't raise my head up, 'cos got this girl (i think only) kept on staring at me... -shy shy-

The possibilities are : i'm too handsome or i'm still too handsome or should i say... Sexy (Kidding... no harm to your digestive system). OR... my flyer was opened. - black clouds covered moon with lightning flashing and thunder clashing indefinitely -

The truth... i don't know lei. Blessing in disguise... (ooh yeah!) Now I can drink Bloody Mary, so those underaged... Sayonara.

Gosh... after that SPCA thingy. Josh n me, both went to Queensway to shop for:

Bookshelf (20 bucks)
Shoes (Walking)
Visor
Visor
Visor
Visor...

I was popping on the army square cap to cover up my ' bad-hair-day'. I looked sooooo 'attractive' in it that everyone was glancing at me, mesmerised by my perfection: the combination of sexy legs and army camp... Paradise Hunk. (HCl acid can be felt choking the windpipes... pushing its way against Newton's Law of Gravitation. )

Everyone!!! Deep breathe... 1..2..3..out and breathe in.

Results:

Bookshelf -- too expensive. ( some were thousand miles from my budget)
Shoes ------ Josh found it , but they just don't have his size. fate...
Visor ------- Too bad! i found mine instead. Black visor. Gotta fine bargain- 15

Oh yar... IKEA is like a maze. Perfect landscape for CS. Spray AK-47 at them and terrorize the sales personal. Once u get in, prepare to walk all the way. Its either back or forward. I wasnt window shopping, but price shopping. The price tags have their prices enlarged and bold, so it tags you rather than you tag it. Tag!

We eaten hotdogs, i gave 2 bucks to Salvation Army pot. ( poor lady... ring the bell and in hope of someone to drop a few coins in.)

Went to Queensway shopping centre, we see.. we saw.. we say.. we said.. shoes, tee shirts, shoes, shoes, shoe, tee shirt, VISOR, tee shirt, shoes den ice creams. Ran after Bus 93, bided farewell...

Slept on the bus. Woke up. Alighted at AIA complex. Boarded Bus 2. Alighted at ex- Gay World Park busstop. Went to church. Crept in. Surprised. Chit-chat. Stamp 'NEAR KALLANG MRT'. Chit-chat. Set up Sound and AVA. Job well done. Bided Goodbye. Went to Mum's place. Closed shop. Bro came in time. Packed up. Dad drove. We ate. Dad drove again. Home. Computer switched on. Read mails. Answered SMS. Typed the Diary profile. Blogged. Still blogging... Blogging..


Yesterday wanted to blog, but the network got problem, den flooded the church blog. haha.. Yesterday, renovated my whole bedroom. Threw all i can and packed all i want. It was a more than 18 hours project.. It's still not finished yet, just the beginning only. All my stuff, all scattered on the floor, bed and table.
tomorrow, I'm going to get myself a twenty-dollar bookshelf, maybe from Ikea. Most probably going to Queenstown's Ikea store lor... with Joshua and (maybe) his sister. haha...

You know what... i'm so nervous that i'm going for the SPCA's orientation course tomorrow. At 1100hrs. Tired sia... Meeting new people, people who luvssss animals. haha... i'm neither a pet lover nor abuser. Just a peace-loving creature (sounds familiar?)

Just came back from community service and slotting flyers into the letterboxs at Ubi. Very interesting encounter with some people. There was this lady, mid-fourties, glancing at me while i slotted the flyers into the mailbox. At first, i thought she was waiting for me to finish, but actually, she (i think) wanted to talk to me. She asked many questions like : 'Just finished O level' ..etc.
It was so embarrassing... but it was cool.

Later, i spoke to a lady, much much older than the previous. We had a conversation in dialect, which I understood her, but just couldn't reply her... That is what I call, 'Communication Breakdown into Misunderstanding.'
She wanted to know why I gave out the flyers and how much i was earning.. but i couldn't answer her and she didn't know normal Chinese.

What did i learn? Starting a conversation isn't that difficult afterall... so evangelism will be a piece of cake? (er... must have faith!) haha...

Okie... Sexy Teddy Bear has to get some honey, so will be coming back soon.
The Teminator once said, " i will be back."